I've been kind of annoyed at how there is a complete lack of RPG games for both Xbox 360 and the Wii. While Final Fantasy will come to Xbox 360 soon, the release date for America is still TBA and being that I own an American Xbox, I doubt I'd be able to just buy the Japanese version when it comes out later this year. That's where this game has come in. I'm not sure why I'm advertising this game on my blog, but just wanted to say that it's a really beautiful game about magic and dragons!

It's been a while since I've screamed at the TV. Last night I could be found on my couch yelling thing like, "How could you treat the prince that way!!??" "How dare you arrest us!"



I'm so dorky.

In other game news, I played a little bit of The Sims 3... but got bored after 30 minutes. Sigh.

There isn't much that I really understand when it comes to death and arrangements for the death. It's never really anything that anyone ever thinks about and when we come across it in the media, it's always often romanticized- as was the case for the movie Departures. It was on Sunday that I received the call from my mother explaining to me that my grandfather had passed and that on Monday we would have to make arrangements and do it all as a family. I hung up the phone without much feeling to what I had heard. I can't really say that I've ever had any solid bond with anyone in my family and since we've all expected that grandpa would pass soon, it was difficult to really feel much. Sunday night, after receiving the news I proceeded to do my things as usual. I even spoke with Mr. Austin on the phone and joked and laughed.

It was on Monday when things were a little different. Early in the morning we went to the hospital. As I walked into the entrance I had an uneasy feeling in my stomach. The feeling in a hospital is always that feeling of despair and sadness. As we sat down in the grey waiting room, my grandma began to talk about how she was wearing her best clothes so that grandpa could see her in her most prettiest state. As she went on and on, I naturally just began crying. I tried to fight back the tears, but they would just keep flowing.

When it came time to go to the morgue, it was a strange feeling. "I'm sorry for your loss" said a man who was wearing green scrubs. The man leads us to where they laid my grandpa. Cold and dead. As I saw his body laying on the table I was in utter shock and horror. He looked so frail and thin- as if he suffered a lot. I'm more than sure that my grandfather would not have wanted to be seen this way. I was speechless and scared as I stood before him. My grandmother wailed and cried out that she would join him soon enough. As I was too afraid to go any closer, I kept my distance however, that didn't last long as my dad motioned me to go closer. I felt much hesitation, but I walked up close [to my grandpa] for him to take a better look at me.

Almost immediately after the morgue, we went over to the funeral home to make the arrangements. Since my grandpa didn't have any friends here nor do we have a large family, we were going to skip wake/ceremony services. Fives copies of the death certificate? $75. Marble urn? $375. Cremation? $1,500. We left the funeral home, had lunch and then went straight to Long Island where about a year ago, my parents had bought 4 plots of land for the burial of ashes.

When we got to the cemetery, I was taken aback at how beautiful the place was. There were no tombstones in this place, everyone was buried with a bronze plaque on the ground. There were trees and gazebos everywhere. If you didn't pay attention, you would have thought that you were in a national park. Cost of bronze plaque? $1,800. Cost of land? (At the time my parents bought it) About $7,000 per plot. Opening the grave for burial? Another $1,000.

After it was all said and done, I returned home completely exhausted and emotionally drained from the day. I also had so many wild thoughts going on in my head. Thoughts for my grandmother. Thoughts about my own death. With all the mixed emotions going on within me, I sat at my desk crying. However, my tears felt empty since I didn't really feel true sorrow for the passing of my grandpa. I couldn't understand it.

The following day I woke up and felt back to normal. When I had talked to my mom that day, she told me that she felt the exact same way that I felt- that what we were feeling was very complicated and it's hard to say that we felt sad for grandpa, but that given the circumstances... it was difficult not to shed a tear.

In many ways, I also felt that the day after was also the day where I "sobered" up from all the awkward emotions I was feeling. Just like in the past with the breakup with the bf and the Bangkok incident, this time around I was completely feeling crazy and and having wild wild thoughts- Monday was definitely marred with a whole day of confusion. But I suppose since this death didn't directly impact me I recovered from everything within a day.

All I can say is, grandpa, I'm sorry I wasn't such a good filial grandson. In fact, I'm sure you most likely think that I was a horrible one. I can only say that I hope you are at a better place reading books and doing research, which is what you loved. Goodbye.